School shooting, from a teacher's perspective..

This blog is being posted in response to listening to a teacher call into the KLove Christian Radio show this morning, describing the conversations that she had with her Elementary Students following the tragedy in Newton, CT on December 14.

I paraphrase, but one of the kids asked her "Do you love us like their teacher loved them?" Im assuming the student was referencing Victoria Soto, who (as the story goes) hid her children in cabinets, cloets, etc, and then told the gunman that "The kids are all in the gym" before being killed.

As a teacher, I had a conversation with another teacher along the lines of "Would you be willing to do that? Would you be willing to stand face-to-face with a gunman, know you're about to be killed, in hopes of saving your students"...

The teacher's response was "Probably not. Im not going to die for a student who wouldn't die for me". At first, that seemed a bit harsh, but the more I thought about it, the teacher was just being honest, expressed an opinion. For the past 2 days Ive caught myself asking the very same question.. "Would I be willing to die for these kids?"

These events hit me extremely hard. I openly tell people that I am a very emotional person. When it comes to children, I will cry at the drop of a hat. But this tragedy really struck a chord with me. My oldest daughter is in Kindergarten, and my wife is a 1st grade teacher. As soon as I heard the news of what happened, my thoughts immediately turned to them. It was 2 days before I returned home to see them, but couldn't wait to hug them.

Last Friday, a student from the High School I teach at texted me, and asked "Can we have a Prayer Circle Monday morning before school?" We ended up with 50 or so people, including teachers and students. The hardest part of this prayer time was reading the names and ages of the victims of the massacre. As I read them, I could hear students begin to weep quietly. The more names I read with the age of "6", I really got choked up...

I would be lying if I haven't thought about the parallels of Soto story to the one of Christ, how he died to allow others to live. I know that there is a REALLY good chance that some people will read this, and have no belief in God, in Christianity, and that is 100% fine. For me, though, my own personal beliefs is God have really resonated through this shooting, begging the question once again "Would I be able to do that?". I honestly don't know. The easy answer would be YES!! Would I die for my daughters or wife? ABSOLUTELY!!! Would I die for my students? I honestly just don't know. Until I have to be face-to-face and make the decision (hopefully that will never happen), I just can't be certain.

I don't really have a point to this blog, This is more along the lines of therapy for me, just wanting to jot down some things that are on my mind.  As I said earlier, this shooting has really affected me, and I just wanted to put some things down in words. I really hope you guys have a great day.

Arlington Failure, 7 months of questions, now..

Last January, when the Lieutenant of the Arlington Police Academy said "Effective immediately, you are no longer employed by the City of Arlington", my life was sent into a major whirlwind. My first thought was "How am I going to provide for my wife, my daughter (we had just found out we were expecting our second girl)?,...etc.
Many people don't know the details of what happened, so I will give you the short version. Basically, I found a set of files on the city's database that I wasn't supposed to find. (Yes, we had permission to look through them). It was a set of files that had to do with our end of academy training scenarios at Six Flags. My first thought was "SWEEEETT!!. I can use this". But I thought better, and never did.

The day that I was fired a friend (still a friend to this day) asked me "Moy, how close were those files you found to Six Flags?".

I responded "I don't know. I never really looked at them". Honest to God truthful answer.

Apparently, one of my classmates thought I did, told our commanding officer, and 3 days later, I was gone, only 3 days away from being sworn in. I still contend to this day that I didn't cheat, as was the allegation, but what's done is done. I had the files, and don't deny that. Life goes on... but man, those next 7 months were brutal.

(OK. The reason for this post is something that I heard in church this morning, that "God knows your aches, your pains. He know what you are going through, and knows that emergencies happen". My first thought this morning went back to the firing in Arlington, and how I immediately came face to face with my own personal emergency. I had an urge to write about it this morning.. so.. here we are.(I know that I have family members that will read this not believing in God. I'm not trying to preach. This is about what we went through as a family, and that maybe this will help someone else struggling through their own "emergency")

So I went home, told my wife with tears in my eyes "I just got fired". That may have been the most excruciating sentence I ever had to tell her, especially seeing the look in her eyes. We were a few months pregnant with Kambry, now had no income, had just quit teaching to move to Arlington. I had to bite the bullet, and move into my mom's house... at the age of 33 years old. Luckily she had a house big enough to accommodate.

I used to tell people all the time "I won't lose sleep over it", but I did. Many nights, I would lay in bed, think about what happened, and begin sweating bc of the anger that boiled up inside me. There are still nights when that happens now, but it doesn't happen nearly as often. Pain heals all wounds.. right?

My wife doesn't even know this, but there were times during all of this I would absolutely break down and ball my eyes out. I felt like such a failure, like I wasn't the "provider" I needed to be. There were times I didn't want to go home. The only thing that kept me going back was that my wife never complained, never questioned me, and I loved Karlie giving me big hugs saying "I love you, Daddy!!". If it weren't for a strong support base at home, this could have turned really bad for me. My sanity was just about gone. My pride was completely gone. They were all I had.

Wow. Talk about swallowing your pride. A 33 year old married man, recently fired, moving back into "mom's" with his pregnant wife and kid. January through August were unquestionable the hardest I ever had to endure, as we tried to find jobs.. any jobs, just to survive.

I ended up at TPC Craig Ranch golf course in Frisco Texas for a few months, and ended up at Gaillardia in North OKC the summer of 2012. I left Kendra in Texas, at mom's, pregnant, while I moved up here to work, find an apartment, and get ready to start my new teaching job at Putnam City High School. Kambry was born the first week of August, 7 weeks before I got a "real" check from teaching.She was born in Texas, and we drove her the next day to Oklahoma City. To this day, I can't believe she slept the entire way up here!!!. awesome.

Fast forwarding to now, I am about to begin my second year at Putnam City HS as an Algebra teacher and Coach. Kendra is about to begin her first year as a teacher, as she tackles 1st graders beginning in August!!. Karlie is almost 5, and about to start Kindergarten, and Kambry's first birthday in about to come up!!!

During the hardships we faced, I continually asked "Why?" and "This isn't fair", especially since I didn't CHEAT and (still to this day) see the firing as groundless. We have survived. I can see now that "Enduring hardship as a discipline" has made me stronger. Yes, there are times I wish I was still in Arlington, and I do still dream about it at night. Yes, I wish we could own a nice home right now in OKC rather than this small 2 BR apartment. But then I have to think to myself that we are happy. I have a nice place to stay, a close / loving family. Food to eat. Nice cars. Even after all we went through. We are truly blessed.

I don't really have a spectacular closing to this blog. A lot of this stuff  I never spoke about to anyone outside of close family. It's been close to 17 months since this all went down. A lot has changed. It was just a message at church this morning that got me thinking, and I just wanted to write about it. feel free to share this, or leave comments. If it helps someone, great. If not, it helps me just being able to write it.

Have a great day!! If you are about to read this, you're blessed.

Summer 2011...

Dear Awesome people of the Oklahoma City area,

OK. Here is the situation.. I have been officially offered a job starting in August as a Algebra Teacher and Coach, which I am EXTREMELY grateful for.. But there is a catch.. My first paycheck won't come until September 20th. I have to quit my current job by July 22nd to be in OKC for softball. Kendra is pregnant and the baby is coming the first week of August, which means she will be out of work for maternity leave..

So, basically, we will have NO INCOME in August if I stay in my current situation.

Here is where you can help. I am willing to move up there early (like, soon) to start a new job for the summer, so that I can try to work until teachers report in the middle of August. That way, I have some sort of income for the month of August. My main priority is to provide for my family. That's all.

Do you know of anyone hiring, outisde of "I heard that so-and-so company..."?.. I am looking for solid leads, like "My dad runs a store", or "I can hire you"..

If you can help out, PLEASE let me know via a message on facebook. If I can get past August, life will calm down...(I am also accepting cash donations. LOL).

Thanks for reading this. Hopefully it will pan out for me, Kendra, and my girl(s).